Schiavo:  Thanks for meeting with me.

Baldwin: Cocksucker.

Schiavo:  Excuse me?

Baldwin: Fathead.

Schiavo: Wait a second.  You said in your New York magazine piece that it was ‘cocksucking motherfucker’. Now you’re going back to your original claim that you said ‘fathead’.

Baldwin:  No. I’m just calling you a fathead. A fatty fathead.

Schiavo:  Eat it, Baldwin. I had a baby.  What’s your excuse, tubs?

Baldwin:  Let’s wrap this up, I have a plane to catch. I’m moving to LA. I’m done with New York.

Schiavo:  Yeahhhh. About that. How is moving to LA – the entertainment capital – a viable solution to escaping public life?

Baldwin: I’m going back to being an actor.

Schiavo:  At what point we’re you NOT an actor, exactly?

Baldwin: You simply don’t get it.

Schiavo:  Did you just call me pimply?

Baldwin:  I said SIMPLY. And I have an enhanced audio file to prove it.

Schiavo: That won’t be necessary.  I mean, that would be “superfluous”…

Baldwin:  What?

Schiavo:  Nothing.  It just seems like you may have cracked a thesaurus to write that extraordinary long and windy editorial.

Baldwin: Whatever. You are tripe.

Schiavo: Exactly.  Moving on…

Baldwin: Yes, I’m moving on to Los Angeles to get some privacy.

Schiavo:  I still don’t get it.

Baldwin:  They have gated communities, Schiavo. Protection against the tabloid media. Protection against Hate Incorporated.

Schiavo:  Yeahhhhh…the paparazzi has a REALLY hard time photographing Kim Kardashian. Can’t find her picture anywhere.

Baldwin:  They are not allowed on her property.

Schiavo:  They wait for her at the back entrance of her gym.  Oh! now I get it.  They’ll never find YOU at a gym. I mean, really. Solid plan. Kudos.

Baldwin:  I go to the gym, you maggot.

Schiavo:  That’s a good one! Go with ‘maggot’ instead of ‘fathead’ next time.

Baldwin: (Yawning) Are we done?

Schiavo:  Bored?

Baldwin: No. Well, yes. But the reason I’m yawning is because I was UP LATE.

Schiavo: That show was canceled. Let it go.

Baldwin: Fuck you, slut.  I literally mean I stayed up late watching the premiere of Seth Meyer’s new talk show.

Schiavo:  I think I know what your problem is.

Baldwin: I don’t have a problem, you skankhole.

Schiavo:  Ok. But hear me out. I’m thinking that – without a script (or a thesaurus) – you’re just not very good with words. You know, when you’re the one choosing them.

Baldwin: You know what I think? Actually, you know what I know?  Anderson Cooper and Andrew Sullivan are idiots.  I mean, didn’t they see Rock Of Ages?! When I was tonguing down Russell Brand?!  I mean, if that’s not pro-queer, then I don’t know what is!

Schiavo:  But that was a role you played. That was acting.  I mean, you do realize that Michael Douglas and Matt Damon never actually dated, right?

Baldwin:  It was still my lips on another man’s, Schiavo!

Schiavo: Your highly paid lips. Yes, I understand that fully.

Baldwin: Suck it.

Schiavo: Look, I like you.  A lot, actually.  But can you maybe see my point about your word choice?

Baldwin:  You want to know what I see, you ball sniffing turd? Just like that liar Phil Griffin and that underhanded dweeb Rachel Maddow, you don’t know your ass from the hole in my dick.  I’m like a fuckin’ Boy Scout, bitch. I’m loyal, trustworthy, friendly, brave and whatever-the-fuck else those dip shit badge-wearing monkeys say.

Schiavo:  Okey doke. Well, stay hot. And best of luck in LA.

 

(Disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only. This is not a real interview with Alec Baldwin. So don’t sue me.)