Schiavo: Thanks for meeting with me.
Baldwin: Cocksucker.
Schiavo: Excuse me?
Baldwin: Fathead.
Schiavo: Wait a second. You said in your New York magazine piece that it was ‘cocksucking motherfucker’. Now you’re going back to your original claim that you said ‘fathead’.
Baldwin: No. I’m just calling you a fathead. A fatty fathead.
Schiavo: Eat it, Baldwin. I had a baby. What’s your excuse, tubs?
Baldwin: Let’s wrap this up, I have a plane to catch. I’m moving to LA. I’m done with New York.
Schiavo: Yeahhhh. About that. How is moving to LA – the entertainment capital – a viable solution to escaping public life?
Baldwin: I’m going back to being an actor.
Schiavo: At what point we’re you NOT an actor, exactly?
Baldwin: You simply don’t get it.
Schiavo: Did you just call me pimply?
Baldwin: I said SIMPLY. And I have an enhanced audio file to prove it.
Schiavo: That won’t be necessary. I mean, that would be “superfluous”…
Baldwin: What?
Schiavo: Nothing. It just seems like you may have cracked a thesaurus to write that extraordinary long and windy editorial.
Baldwin: Whatever. You are tripe.
Schiavo: Exactly. Moving on…
Baldwin: Yes, I’m moving on to Los Angeles to get some privacy.
Schiavo: I still don’t get it.
Baldwin: They have gated communities, Schiavo. Protection against the tabloid media. Protection against Hate Incorporated.
Schiavo: Yeahhhhh…the paparazzi has a REALLY hard time photographing Kim Kardashian. Can’t find her picture anywhere.
Baldwin: They are not allowed on her property.
Schiavo: They wait for her at the back entrance of her gym. Oh! now I get it. They’ll never find YOU at a gym. I mean, really. Solid plan. Kudos.
Baldwin: I go to the gym, you maggot.
Schiavo: That’s a good one! Go with ‘maggot’ instead of ‘fathead’ next time.
Baldwin: (Yawning) Are we done?
Schiavo: Bored?
Baldwin: No. Well, yes. But the reason I’m yawning is because I was UP LATE.
Schiavo: That show was canceled. Let it go.
Baldwin: Fuck you, slut. I literally mean I stayed up late watching the premiere of Seth Meyer’s new talk show.
Schiavo: I think I know what your problem is.
Baldwin: I don’t have a problem, you skankhole.
Schiavo: Ok. But hear me out. I’m thinking that – without a script (or a thesaurus) – you’re just not very good with words. You know, when you’re the one choosing them.
Baldwin: You know what I think? Actually, you know what I know? Anderson Cooper and Andrew Sullivan are idiots. I mean, didn’t they see Rock Of Ages?! When I was tonguing down Russell Brand?! I mean, if that’s not pro-queer, then I don’t know what is!
Schiavo: But that was a role you played. That was acting. I mean, you do realize that Michael Douglas and Matt Damon never actually dated, right?
Baldwin: It was still my lips on another man’s, Schiavo!
Schiavo: Your highly paid lips. Yes, I understand that fully.
Baldwin: Suck it.
Schiavo: Look, I like you. A lot, actually. But can you maybe see my point about your word choice?
Baldwin: You want to know what I see, you ball sniffing turd? Just like that liar Phil Griffin and that underhanded dweeb Rachel Maddow, you don’t know your ass from the hole in my dick. I’m like a fuckin’ Boy Scout, bitch. I’m loyal, trustworthy, friendly, brave and whatever-the-fuck else those dip shit badge-wearing monkeys say.
Schiavo: Okey doke. Well, stay hot. And best of luck in LA.
(Disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only. This is not a real interview with Alec Baldwin. So don’t sue me.)
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