An Open Letter To Open Letter Writers

Dear Open Letter Writers,

Yes you.

The person who feels compelled to capture your feelings, concerns, and rants in a personal letter format and then display it in a public forum. There are so many of you out there.

You compose letters to celebrities, members of Congress, your crazy neighbors, old friends, your exes, an annoying person in line at Starbucks, a rude cashier at Target, President Obama, your fifth grade teacher, the guy who cut you off on the freeway, your dead relatives etc.. Basically, anyone and everyone.

And, from the praisers to the shame-on-you(ers), I consistently get lured into your efforts to put people on full blast.

However, from a reader’s standpoint, I sometimes feel unsatisfied by the open ended-ness of it all. It would appear that your ramblings have been read by many but, answered by none.

I know, I know. That’s not the point. You’re just trying to get something off your chest.

As a recipient of these letters – which saturate my daily news feed – I now have something to get off MY chest: Responses.

What am I talking about…?

Well, of the many dozens of letters I have read, some have caught my attention more than others. Ones that I have been eager to respond to.

Therefore, I have compiled a sampling of my favorite open letters. And I will reply to each, as if I were the person for whom it was intended.

Ok, let’s get started.

1.) The woman who wrote an open letter to her ex-husband’s new girlfriend, welcoming her to the family: 

First of all, no. Actually, let’s make that a hells no.

I know you were trying to come from a place of bravery and maturity, but you ended up in the land of creepy. This letter was a little too sister-wife-sounding for me.

I don’t care how much I liked a guy … If I were the person to whom this letter was addressed, I’d bounce. Fast.

My suggested response:

Dear Ex-Wife Of My Soon-To-Be-Ex-Boyfriend,

If this was your attempt at reverse psychology, it worked. I do not think you are looking forward to adding me to your already complicated family dynamic.

However, if you did actually mean what you said, that is even worse. I have no interest in being a part of some unofficial-LDS-man-sharing compound.

Even though you are re-married, I think you may be having a hard time with the idea of your ex-hubby with another woman. Why? Well, that’s for you to answer.

In the meantime, I’ll be updating my profile on Plenty of Fish.

Peace OUT,

Your Ex’s Next Ex

2.) The woman who tried to reason with Kim Davis about same-sex marriage through an open letter filled with Bible passages:

I think it is safe to say that Kim Davis is unwavering on the topic same-sex marriage.

And the fact that her stance won her a date with the Pope, certainly doesn’t help matters.

This woman is high on heaven and is not coming down to read your letter.

My suggested response:

Dear Fellow Bible Follower,

I know gay people want to have their wedding cake and eat it too. But not in Rowan County! No way. Not while I’m the jerk… uh, clerk. I asked Jesus if I was doing the right thing and he answered ‘yes’ by appearing in a tub of butter… (wait, that was Donald Trump).

Anyway, the truth is, I used up all the certificates at the office on my four marriages and the new shipment hasn’t arrived. So either way, it’s a wash.

Speaking of wash, I have to get home now. I need to hang my denim overalls on the clothes line so they can dry in time for court tomorrow.


Kim D

3.) The working mom who thinks Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t understand the needs of anyone who isn’t Gwyneth Paltrow: 

How do you have space in your life to know what Gwyneth Paltrow has to say about anything? Much less, find time to write about it?

From what I gather about Gwyneth Paltrow, I can confidently say that her initial reaction would be “what letter?”

My suggested response:

Dear Busy Mom Who Has Time To Scold Celebrities,

By the sounds of your letter, the only spare time – between the demands of your job and family – is during your commute to the office. 

So, shame on you, lady! You shouldn’t be drafting a letter while behind the wheel of a car. Shame on you for your driving-while-shaming practices.

Consciously Signed,


4.) The guy who wrote an open letter to the dudes dating his mom (yes, he wrote “dudes” in the title):

I love how he tells these potential “dudes” (who don’t exist yet) that he (the son) is here to stay.

Trust me, they know. When these mythical misters go on the very first date with your mom, each of them will be hyper aware of the fact that she has an adolescent child. In some cases, this “awareness” may also be referred to as a “deciding factor.”

No “new dude” is forgetting about you, Bro. No reminder needed.

My suggested response:

Dear Oedipus,

I think I speak for all of your mom’s prospective dates when I say, thank you for letting us all know in advance that your mother has grey hair and wrinkles. I am sure she appreciates you advertising those details as well.

And don’t worry, none of us want to take the place of your father. Most of us probably have kids from a previous marriage and well, our cup is full. You and your absentee dad have nothing to fear. You’re his boy and we are all someone else’s dad.

Seeking younger woman with no baggage,

The Dudes

5.) The woman who composed an open letter to a disgruntled, unhelpful employee who works at a ferry ticket counter.

So basically I hear you saying that you want first class service from a ticket agent at a ferry dock who – my guess – is probably under paid.

That’s like taking a business meeting with Bill Cosby with the goal of furthering your acting career.

In both instances, expect to get screwed.

My suggested response:

Dear Irritated Ferry Passenger,

I foresee a lot of open letters to customer service in your future.

All the worst,

Ticket Lady

P.S. Get in line.

So, that concludes my trip down open letter memory lane. I look forward to reading more publicized personal notes in the future. Make that, the very near future. They’re everywhere.

And remember: If you have something to say, be sure to put it in a letter. I just may unsolicitedly answer yours next.


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